When All is Lost
by IcyAsh
Summary: Please don't let this be true. You can't do this to me. No, no, please don't leave me here... She is now alone. Burdened by her past. No where to go. He can change all that, but will he?
1. Searching All Your Life

Hey you guys! I AM BACK! I promise that you guys will love this story. I hated my last stories so if you liked those and I hated those and I love this one then you will worship this one! LOL JK It's up to you on what you think of this story but I absolutely love this story! Many thanks to my old reviewers I MISSED YOU!

_IcyAsh_

Searching All Your Life

Chapter One

I sat there just murmuring to myself. _'Please don't let this be true. You can't do this to me! No, no, please don't leave me here...'_ I sit here as I rock back and forth and you are no longer with me. I find myself hiding in the very tree you used to love so much. I remove myself from this sight. I don't know why I am still here. Why have I not returned to the other side? I can't bear to face my family. This was to be my new home. To be there with them, that was my only wish. That was a wish that could never be granted. I wobble around. I eye them closely. That was the first thing I felt I should do. I pushed the pain aside and I did the proper thing to do.

After that was all finished, I just walked back. I couldn't bear to stay. I look at the edge of the well. I hesitated. Something is keeping me here. I still do not know what. But I would be damned if I did not stay. I still have not cried. Not since then... My tear stained cheeks. They would not be able to handle if I broke down again. So not since then have I cried. I also refuse to cry either. Either way, even if I tried, I have run out of tears. Though my tears have disappeared, my grief still stays here with me. They are not leaving me alone.

The only thing that had decided to stay with me was my memories. _'Why? Why did you have to leave me alone with these memories of the moments we shared? The times we have laid in each other's embrace just seeking comfort from each other! WHY????'_ I stop these thoughts. No, I can't think like this. It would be pain all over again. So I just walk aimlessly around. If anyone saw me they would think I am a zombie. I couldn't care less if a youkai came and killed me on the spot. I had no more reasons to live. Well, just one, but that reason was the thing that kept me here and not with them.

I don't want to think anymore. I find a nice tree that seems to be the only thing that is being nice to me today. I lay against it and I try to let sleep consume me. I am almost scared though. Did I truly wish to sleep? Would I want to sleep knowing that those nightmares will catch me? Do I want to sleep knowing that this was my fault? I try my best to just stare at the stars only to feel more pain. The twinkling lights that used to comfort me are now the ones who are causing me the pain. I used to love to look up at the clear night sky with you. It took all of our troubles away. But now they just remind me of you and the past.

I feel my eyes slowly becoming tired of being opened. I panic. I pray that I will not be haunted by my fears. To think that now I am my own enemy, it makes me laugh. I hate this feeling. I feel so weak. My emotions, are these the reasons for my weakness? If so, do I want to get rid of them? Would that be my true desire? I fiddle with the Shikon no Tama around my neck. I hold up it up to the moonlight. I have to keep it pure and not taint it. My hands tighten around it. It is possible. I smiled sadly. I could see them smiling at me. They are watching me. I feel tears prick teasingly at my eyes. I push them back despite their protest. Sleep was slowly beckoning me to succumb to her spells. No matter how hard I tried to resist, even I couldn't hold out forever.

The moment morning came, I snapped open my eyes. I shot straight up as my slowed my breathing. Beads of sweat rolled down my face as I panted. It wasn't as bad as I had thought it was going to be but the memories still plagued my mind. My breathing was still ragged but more calmed. I clutched my head as all the thoughts came rushing back. It hurt so badly. I slowly limped my way over to the site. I just prayed that I had just been dreaming. When I reached there it felt as if my world was shattered all over again. The graves where there just as I had left them the other day. They truly were gone. They were truly gone as I was now truly alone.

I took their bodies and I let them rest the other day. I return again today. They deserve it so much. I close my eyes in pain. It should have been me, not them. Though my tears threaten to fall, I refuse to give in. That would only lead to prove that I am weak. In the end I guess they all did leave me. I fall on his grave, unable to move. I sob and fall upon the dirt. I close my eyes, the pain was so much. I pound the ground as I scream to the world. When anyone heard that, whether they be human or demon, they knew that blood had been shed. I break down but still the tears, they do not yet fall. Who knew it would end this way?

I struggled off of the floor. I was still covered in your blood as well as my own. I had finished the burial but still I stay. I still grieve. I didn't even notice his presence behind my own. I didn't notice until I saw his cold face of indifference. I felt my anger flare but then cool down. Why would he care for his death anyways? He was just Sesshomaru. He walked up to the grave where I was currently kneeling on. There was an awkward silence. We stood acknowledging each others presence. The wind blew past us. I didn't want to turn around. To look at his face...the face that reminded me so much of my dead love. I inwardly laugh. So this was how he had felt. To be constantly reminded by one who looks so alike but is so different. I frown. But did he feel this much pain??? Did he feel this much desire??? Does he _know_ how it feels like???? After **_searching all your life_**, finally finding it, grasping it, and then losing it??

I weakly smile and I turn to him. His eyes cold with indifference. I want him to care so much. To maybe prove that he has some emotion. This was his own flesh and blood's grave. Does he not care? He turns to leave when I scream out. It was an unintentional thing to do. I hadn't really noticed my wounds. The pain in my heart was too strong. Even now, as I bleed, I will not bandage these wounds. I miss him so much. I want so badly just to be with him...with them. My vision becomes blurry. I feel myself falling. I brace myself for the impact of me and the ground. It never came.

I LOVE YOU, YOU GUYS! Please READ AND REVIEW! PLEASE??????????? I LIVE for my reviews! I LOVE YOU ALL! Oh I am **TERRIBLY SORRY ABOUT THE SHORTNESS OF THIS CHAPTER!!! **DO NOT WORRY I WILL BE MAKING THEM LONGER GRADUALLY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!!

_IcyAsh_


	2. Remembering the Past

Remembering the Past

Chapter Two

Emotion, they are the things that I so happily rid of long ago. They show you are weak and it shows how you are weak. Grief, another thing I had long forgotten. Pain, something we have all felt as a result of all these emotions. I figured that if I got rid of the emotion I would get rid of the pain. Warmth, something, that is forever missing from my body. Love, something, that is foreign to me. I am in no hurry to encounter these emotions. They are deadly. Look at my brother and at my father. My brother has been reduced to some watchdog and my father brought to his very demise by the woman he loved. Tragic indeed, not only that, but they fell in love with ningens. Humans, such odd creatures. They spend their times on their looks, wealth, and grief. So many of these emotions, it's no wonder why they are so vulnerable.

Then of course there is always and exception to every rule. The exception to this rule was that weird girl who traveled along side my brother. She showed no fear of me. She is one, incredibly brave, or two, too stupid to fear me. I found myself pointed at the end of her arrow one too many times. In the end she never hit me just fended me long enough for my brother to escape. Such an odd creature she is to me. She wears sluttish skimpy clothing yet she is able to slay thousands of demons. She is a mystery to me.

Speaking of mysteries, I look down at the young girl beside me. She eyed me happily and continued to hop through the fields. They both share somewhat the same soul. Both pure, unspoiled, they seemed oblivious to the world. So carefree, being protected and shielded. That was the difference. That miko, she faced so many dangers but still managed to go untainted and remain pure. Once again, I am baffled by these humans. They put themselves into the face of danger to protect and avenge one another. In the end don't we all die? What difference does it make whether they die now or then. Humans, they make everything so mellow dramatic.

I stand and I begin to leave. I immediately hear the squabble of Jaken. I quicken my pace a bit and it, luckily, goes unnoticed by Jaken. As I leave to patrol my lands, I still wonder. Life, why was it that humans try so hard to cling onto it? Everything disappears eventually; even the strongest of demons die out. I was snapped from my thoughts as I came over the scent of blood. Lots of it for that matter, and it was mixed with a strong miasma. I hover above the area. Devastation was labeled everywhere. Trees and other plants are scattered among the massacre. Trees that have survived were trying to bend away from the area, though the miasma has now disappeared. Then something inside of me started to twist around. I do not know what it was. I just suddenly feel my instincts telling me something was definitely wrong.

The area was covered in Naraku's scent. Now that I look closely I can smell the scent of blood everywhere. I sniff closely and I smelt something that made my blood run cold. This scent of blood, it wasn't just anyone's blood, this blood, belonged to my brother. It wasn't only of my brother's; it was among his comrades and Naraku's. I survey the area; I don't see any bodies besides several tentacles. All of the bodies are missing...

I have been searching for quite a while now. Even with my youkai senses I have not been able to actually locate their individual scent, just the blood. It didn't make any sense, how could there be this huge battle right outside his borders, and I had no news about it? Something just wasn't right about this situation and I am going to find out. I may not have been on the friendliest terms with my brother but this isn't about him. This is about me and Naraku. I convince myself that this is my only reason, but something told me deep down that there was something more.

The aura surrounding the area was partly pure evil that you would suffocate on it; another area was annoyingly pure that you think you are dreaming. As I venture further down the trail, the smell of blood became stronger. Soon enough, I was able to find large gashes of blood everywhere. However, there were no bodies. I am sure I thoroughly checked the entire area several times at least. After much annoyance, I believe I have found someone...

I walk up to her. She seems to be kneeling on something; blocking something from my view. The aura surrounding this area was thick with grief. It all seemed to be radiating from her. I frown, something was not rite. Call it premonition? Something about this scenario seems too familiar; something was going to happen, something big...

I watched her turn to me; it seemed to be in slow motion. She struggled to get up and when she turned the wind blew past her revealing what she had been blocking. They were graves. The scent of my brother was strongest here. I stopped dead in my tracks. _'He couldn't have, it couldn't be true.'_ I, however, kept my calmness. I felt the girl's anger spark then cool down quickly. I slowly walk up to the graves the girl was at. She didn't seem to be scared. As I neared I stared at the graves. As I passed her, she just seemed to look away. The girl finally turns to me and weakly smiles. I feel pity for her she is drenched in her blood. I look at the grave. Is she the only one left? I take another long study of the grave and I turn to leave. Even though I insist that I don't care I do not want to dwell in this place. I am about to leave when I hear a small scream. I turn to find the human suddenly clutching her side. The blood on her skimpy outfit becomes bright red. She makes no motion to try to clean her wounds. I watch her slowly find interest in the floor. Then, I did something that scared me beyond my wits...........................................................................................................................I caught her.

So here I am standing with an unconscious miko in my arm. I hesitate for a moment. I move down to leave her here. Half way down I stopped. The normally cheerful girl I know is not who I have in my arm. I look at her closely. Her cheeks are stained with the scent of salt. She had lost all of her companions. She was all alone now.........She was so loved and protected by everyone else, would she even make it on her own? I don't know why I am thinking about her well being, but I am.

Something compelled me to take her back to the castle, and I did. My instincts never ever failed me before. I do not think that they are tricking me this time. Rin was truly making me soft. I sigh as I walk away.

By the time I got the castle it was mid day. I pushed the doors opened and was immediately greeted by a babbling Jaken. I silenced him and was greeted by a loud hyperactive Rin. The moment she saw the miko she hushed up and put on a worried expression. Immediately she ran from me and headed to one of the rooms I recognized as Makoto's. Several minutes later, three tall looking youkai stepped out of the room looking very worried. The taller one stood around his height, she had ice blue eyes. Her hair was black mixed with silver and blue. She also had a golden flame pointed toward her hairline, signaling she was of royal blood.

The shorter one had long black hair and deep blue eyes. She had a black teardrop on her forehead, symbolizing that she was the younger sibling of the first one. Then there was the last youkai. He was probably one of a kind. He had black hair with gold and silver streaks along with his tail which was only silver and gold. He had a golden lightning bolt on his forehead which also symbolized royalty but of a different bloodline. Unlike the others, he had scares covering his body. Like the others, he had the bluest eyes ever. I, in ways, sort of like to brag about these youkai. They were absolutely the best. These were my friends since I was young. I was rudely snapped out of my thoughts when the girl in my arms was pulled away by Makoto.

"Sesshy!!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER????"

Anyone else would've been dead right there. Soon giggles could be heard from Sakuya. "OOOOO SESSHY YOU ARE IN TROUBLE!!!!!" She then ran off giggling. Kenta shook his head sadly. I turned to Makoto.

"Yes??"

"In her condition, she should be bedridden for several days."

I nodded. She turned to leave with the girl in her arms. "Sesshomaru, what made you bring this girl here anyways?" I stared at her for a moment. "Honestly Makoto, I don't know." I watched her question me for a moment then she left me to my peace. I follow Kenta into the study. He looked a bit saddened then he usually was. I thought for a moment then I knew why. He thought that I was taking that miko as my mate! I come over and put my hand on his shoulder. This little youkai here was like a little brother to me, no one else would have ever seen me act this way.

"Kenta, she is not my mate..."

He looked at me with hurt eyes. I smiled a little bit. He had once been in love. Just once..............................

"Sesshomaru, are you sure that it would be wise to let her stay at this castle?"

"Yes I do Kenta, do not worry."

However I do not no who was I was trying to convince. He didn't seem to be convinced. That wasn't surprising either. After all he has been through; I don't think he would be so trusting either. After all, to him, this was like **_remembering the past_**. "Sesshomaru, just be careful with her, I sense bad things radiating off of that miko..."

I nodded my head. When she awakens, she will have some explaining to do...

OMG I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY YOU GUYS!!!!!! HAVE MERCY ON ME PLEASE! gets on hands and kneesPLEASE!!!! School has been such a pain plus...I HAVE A NEW BABY SISTER!!!!!! YAYYYY!!!! LOL! I AM SORRY FOR MY LACK OF UPDATES!!! I HAD NO INSPIRATION AND I DELETED MY CHAPTER AND DECIDED TO MAKE IT INTO THIS ONE!!! I AM SORRY!!!!!

iluvshiei: I AM SO SORRY FOR MAKING YOU WAIT I AM SOOOO SORRY!!!!! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!!!!!!!

Sarcasm Girl8: HEH IM SORRY FOR USING DA OLD ONE AND THANK YOU!!!!! AND UHHH IONO!! DON'T SAY THAT!!!! I love your stories!!!!!

Amaris-11: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW IM SORRY I MADE YA CRY SIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SORRY!!! AND YES I KNOW THAT IT IS SAD BUT LOL ARENT I RITE?????????HN will do sis! kisses LUVZ YOU!!! I MISS YOU TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Golden-Eyed-Girl: HEHEHHEHE OKAY SIS!!! I AM ALREADY BETTER . SO OKAYYY HHEHE WE ARE ENTITLED TO OUR OWN OPINIONS ARENT WE????? LUVZ YOU!!!!!!

Snowy Azn Angel: THANK YOU!!!!

AngelMiko69: DON'T WORRY IT WILLLL GET BETTER AND WORST BUT THEN BETTER BUT THEN WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sesshomaru-fan-4-life: UMMM I AM SORRY CAN YOU PLEASE REPHRASE THAT FOR ME??? IM SORRY!!!

drk-bandit14: . you just couldn't wait could ya????? I know you did I love you toooo!!!!!

amy: I AM SORRY AMY!!!! I WILL TRY TO BE BETTER AT UPDATING!!!!!!

DimmingBlackRose: AWWW SIS YOU DON'T LIKE IT????????????????????????gets teary eyesIM SORRY YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT SIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! ï 


	3. The Suffering

KK YOU GUYS I am REALLY RELALLY REALLLLLLLLLLLLY SORRY FOR THE INCONVIENECE BUT I AM GOING TO LAY OFF MY STORIES ON FFN FOR A WHILE SORRY BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY INSPIRATION AT THE MOMENT BUT WHENEVER I DO I WILL BE SURE TO RITE IT DOWN ONCE AGAIN I AM SORRY FOR THE INCONVIENCIENCE BUT IN THE MEAN WHILE KEEP YOURSELFZ ENTERTAINED WITH THE OTHER STUFF I AM WORKING ON

h t t p : w w w . f i c t i o n p r e s s . c o m / re a d . p h p ? s t o r y i d 1 7 4 9 8 9 4

Be sure to get rid of all of the spaces! or you can just chek out my pro plz plz plz R&R

LUVZ TO YOU ALL

_Tammy_


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